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The Best Sensual, Erotic and Sexual Checklists for Intimacy and Pleasure

Usually between the 1st and 3rd date with a new lover, I will have brought up the topic of sexuality, erotic art, BDSM, and more. I’d rather not waste anyone’s time and as intimacy, transparency, vulnerability, and connection are important to me, especially as I live a rather taboo life, I like to get right to it!  So it is no wonder that I’m often quoting one erotic checklist or another.  Like PK’s Fetish Checklist. If you just want the list, click it. But there’s more to it than that and if you want to go deeper, keep reading. 

Also please do note, as the website states, “This checklist contains sexual acts, from simple “vanilla” sex to the extremely kinky — touching on things like BDSM, multiple partners, roleplaying scenes, and more. Everyone in the relationship should fill it out privately, then compare answers. By knowing each other’s fetishes, desires, and limits, you can better explore your mutual sexuality.”

Also note, I do find this checklist problematic. It was created by someone in 2012 and it needs to be updated. It’s written in a gender binary, key elements are missing and I’d like a list that’s organized from zero experience to “extreme,” so I’m making my own and will one day swap that out. For now, use PK’s list. 

I’ll also preface this by saying I love tools and resources that guide me on a journey of self-reflection, self-assessment, and self-awareness. I also love tools that are great for being intentional in conscious connections too. So here’s some of my playbook of what I use for myself and for my lovers.

These tools are great for your own personal assessments.

I use this guide as a conversation piece at the very beginning of any dating relationship. Literally, before or on the first date, we discuss this guide. I first used this tool via the Touch & Play Asheville Festival in 2018 and have been addicted to it ever since. (I have a different tool, inspired by this one to share very soon!)

I’ve used this self-assessment tool since 2005 and I love it. It’s considered one of the most powerful and insightful tools for understanding ourselves and others. At its core, the Enneagram helps us to see ourselves at a deeper, more objective level and can be of invaluable assistance on our path to self-knowledge. I recommend paying the full price for the full test. It’s $12. They haven’t raised the price in 15 years. I’m shocked. (I also take this test every few years. Let me know your Type in the comments. I’m Type 5: The Investigator.)

Esther Perel is the G.O.A.T. Her questionnaire helps you to explore the root of your sexuality. She feels that exploring the roots of what you’ve learned about intimacy is paramount to a fulfilling relationship, both physically and emotionally. She asks 10 questions. Some you may have explored before. But I bet there’s one or two that will inspire you. I think before you start asking someone about their kinks or attachment styles….maybe go through these questions first with yourself.

How do you give and receive love? This test helps you to articulate that so that you can be more intentional and mindful with yourself and with others.

This test changed my life. I thought I hated apologies. I actually became agitated, annoyed, irritated, and sometimes outright offended at the way people would apologize to me. Then I learned of this test and realized there are different languages of apologies. It has made all the difference. Before you even get into a BDSM checklist with a lover…I’d recommend taking this for yourself and also sharing your results with those in your life and learning theirs.

Providing a more simple approach to her archetypal work, Caroline has created a quick one that helps you to discover your three primary archetypes according to her modality. “Once you’ve discovered your archetypes you can make the choice to reclaim them and learn about them by exploring the empowerment section. You can also inspire your archetypes by clicking on one of the 12 icons in their toolbar to explore self-improvement content curated to help animate and empower you.” If you want to go deeper into archetype work, purchase, “Sacred Contracts: Awaken Your Divine Potential.” This book is part of my life cannon. I swear by it. The book transformed my life.

This test measures the way you relate to others in the context of close relationships. You might also consider purchasing, “Attached: The NEw Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love.” This is one of my recommended books!

In order to get a deeper connection and greater sexual satisfaction, it helps to learn the erotic language to express what turns you on and turns you off. This test provides you with your own erotic map so that you can get your sexual needs met. I’ve never paid for the in-depth results of this test. I’ve only done the free version. 

First, this program created by OMGYes is designed for “women.” Do they take into account transwomen, non-binary people, and such? I don’t know. I do identify as a woman and have been a subscriber for many years and I freaking love it. Since day one, I’ve said I want the male version of this program. Since evolving in my understanding, there probably needs to be a non-binary or all-encompassing queer version too. In either case, this isn’t technically a quiz. The article breaks down 12 of their techniques but maybe read through it. When I was struggling with my sexuality, I didn’t have the vocabulary to describe my desires or thoughts…or orgasms. This gives you language…and so much more. Also, consider subscribing to OMGYes. I’ve referenced them before in “Where to Buy Yoni Eggs & Other Erotic Toys”
 

These worksheets are full of suggestions, helpful things to think about, and creative ways of looking at things we want in the sack. They encourage you to deface it. If you want to talk about something you don’t see on there, well then add it. Draw all over it. Download it, print it out, and go bananas.

According to their website, this test gives you the opportunity to explore your kinks in eye-opening detail.

This 9 pager has some of everything. It’s one of the most comprehensive questionnaires/checklists I’ve come across. It’s a  way of developing your erotic kinky treasure map for intimate connections! Its recommended that you each fill it out separately and then discuss your answers one by one.  My partner and I opted to go through the test line by line sharing our marks and notes and letting it lead down a rabbit’s hole or interesting conversations. There are also a few other lists I’ve come across.

 

These are additional resources I’ve come across though I’m not as well versed in them as the first set. I’ve either used the tool once or just discovered it recently.

Books

Apps

Article

People to Know

 

As You Start to Click Around, Here are Other Things to Note

  1. Take each test with a grain of salt. If it doesn’t speak to you or compel you, leave it be.
  2. Even if you’ve taken a questionnaire or completed a checklist before, every now and then take them again. We evolve. Our palettes change. Our bodies and desires change. Life happens. Or we simply change our minds. I take the Enneagram every 3 years. I take the BDSM Test every year.
  3. Some of these tests are either dated and/or subconscious or intentionally biased.  Know that there are some limiting questions like listing the gender option as “male/female” and excluding non-binary or etc.
  4. Some of these tests have a cost associated with them. Those are clearly noted. Some of the tests require that you provided an email address. Some are quick pdf downloads that you can readily print.
  5. There are no affiliate links. Sounds crazy, right? But I promise you…not a one. (Not that there’s anything wrong with them. It’s a great tool for passive income. However, there are none in this post of a thousand links.

Notes For Those Who Create These Assessments and Tools

If you’re a facilitator of these tests, checklists, questionnaires, worksheets, and more, please update them to account for the day and age that we live in. There is no excuse at this point unless your brand is intentionally and exclusively targeting a specific cis-gendered, hetero type of person. If its not intentional, fix it. And if you’re for “Women,” or for “Men,” get real clear on what that means. Can Trans-Women take part? Non-binary women? If it makes your head hurt and is too much and not what you’re used to and you don’t want to be a mindful, open-hearted facilitator, teacher or resource…..you might want to take some of these self-assessments to figure out your unconscious biases or willful moments of ignorance. (steps off soapbox.)

 

Header Photo by Alexander Krivitskiy on Unsplash

Have you heard of any of these tools? Which is your favorite? What other recommendations do you have for this list?